A friend of mine over the last few months has separated from hes husband. I see her aching and I try to reach out and help her, but you know I remember what it was like. People tried to reach out to me in that time of separation too. But no matter what, there is a part of us when that happens, that does not want to be helped. We want to be able to take the time and lick our wounds. Which is fine to do. But looking back over the situation that I went through, if there is something that I could share with people to help them, I would say steer clear of any relationships for at least 6 months.
A person needs at least 6 months to heal and be able to move on. If you move on before that you will only cause more pain because that relationship is going to more than likely be re-bound, not the real deal.
A person needs at least 6 months to fix self-esteem issues that happen from a break up. I don't know if men do this, but women always over think things and blame themselves for things that went wrong in the relationship. "What-IFs" come into play. What if I had done this differently, or done that, or suppose I had bought that "spice up your sex life" CD. blah blah blah the "what ifs" are endless. I have also seen people do denial where the blame is all on the other person. I am here to remind you that it takes 2, yes TWO, to make or break a relationship. And it's important to remember that none of those what-IFs matter, because none of that is reality. The reality is we are at a sad point in our lives that we are accepting all the blame for the failure. STOP taking on the total blame.
Reality says, you are now alone, you need to do something that makes you feel good again. You need to work on making you happy without depending on another person in your life. If you can not be happy alone, only time will tell how long a relationship will last if you are depending on someone else for happiness. When you depend on someone for happiness, you are making the relationship co-dependant. What a big stress for both of you. It's just NOT a good place to be in.
It's time to take your life back one step at a time. Make a list of things that you have always wanted to do. Then start making plans to do them. I know it's hard to do.
I remember after my boyfriend and I had split up that I had done this and I planned a trip anywhere with my him. My friends went with me to help out. I got up one morning at 5:30 and everyone else was asleep so I had decided to go walking at the beach. I got over there and could only think of how beautiful the place was and how great it would be to share with someone I loved. Before I knew it I was walking and crying and other morning runners/walkers were going by me with weird looks on their faces. That moment was so sad for me, but it was also a freeing moment. Even though I was crying because I was alone, I was still enjoying the view. Each time I planned something on my to-do list and did it, I always held an eerie sadness but at the same time, I freed my spirit because I was working on me and my past too. Healing, and moving forward for me.
That was 3 years ago . I am still single. I have bf now been in im happy for him but through out all of it I was serving my needs as well as others. I healed my soul, and honestly I still find ways of improving my life. I would like to share my life with someone. I can do all the things I want to do on my own. The next big trip I will plan will be my wedding-- in which I want to take place on the white beaches at sunset. I'm not in a hurry to rush that trip, because the next time I get into relationship I want it to be my life-time partner, my best friend for life.
So to anyone out there going through a rough time because of an ending marriage/long-term relationship. There is hope, just reach in and find yourself before worrying about another. And remember that the "What IFs" don't matter. Only deal with what’s real, that helps keep your stressors to a minimum.
I'm here for you when you need me.
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